I’m a chick that likes to look after herself whether it be going to the gym, wearing nice shoes, having a nice haircut and always trying to keep myself looking my absolute best.
Have I mentioned I do love a little bit of Botox too! but Shhhhhhhh that’s meant to be a secret (Yeah like you can’t bloomin’ tell!)
I’m not saying that I don’t like to slob out every now and then because I LOVE slobbing out, I do it often, but at least I’m doing it in a designer tracksuit and a full face of make-up.
I’ve had over 20 years of experience of female grooming and yet I’m still absolutely crap at it!
Which is why I always pay people to do that sort of stuff for me.
Except now I’m skint. I’m no longer a fashionista….. I’m a recessionista!
So……… I’ve taken to doing certain things myself in a bid to cut my expenditure.
The other day I waxed my own eyebrows!
Not a good look.
I now have one extremely lovely looking designer sculpted eyebrow and also sadly have one that resembles the eyebrow of a miniature yet extermely scary clown.
You will find me locked in any conversation….. side on, casting my sideways glances at people with my good eyebrow facing them and the dodgy one hiding on the other side of my face.
Hopefully it won’t be too long before they grow back, because people are starting to get a bit nervous when I speak to them side on.
I’ve also got an epilator in a bid to pluck the bits that need constant plucking and it’s all relatively pain free when it comes to legs and even arm pits are fine (as long as you have a glass of wine first, you will feel no pit pain)
BUT……. when it comes to the bikini region all I’ve got to say is that the pain rivals childbirth, and us mothers KNOW how bloody painful that is.
The problem with epilation is that you are effectively causing your own pain, you can’t quite bring yourself to do it, and it’s a slow process is epilating.
I cannot force my hand to actually do it and I squeal in pain, look down and see I’m minus 4 or 5 hairs. The pain just isn’t worth it.
SO……. I went and bought a home waxing kit, I mean when the beautician does it, it only stings for like a few seconds. All done and dusted (literally) within 5 minutes. Quick and easy – well that’s what it said on the box.
How hard can it actually be?
I heated up the wax in the microwave checked the temperature got all my fabric strips ready (oh yes, I bought a bloody professional one didn’t I!) scooped up some wax with the spatula, stuck down the fabric then ripped it off just like I’d seen the beautician do a thousand times before.
OH MY BLOODY BUGGERY HELL!
Yes I was minus hair, but I was also minus skin and my voice because I think I screamed so loud I actually cracked my voice box, not to mention next doors windows.
I had blood too, which surely isn’t a good thing?
AND….. it hadn’t removed all the hair so now I just looked like a patchy bleeding mangy old chicken skinned freak.
But that wasn’t actually the worst thing……….Oh No, trust me it gets much MUCH worse!
Because the wax was hot wax and I was worried that it would cool down and that I’d have to run downstairs naked from the waist down, put it in the microwave again whilst doing a half naked “hurry up melt damn you wax” sorta jig, I had thought it was a very good idea to put all the hot wax on my bikini area at the same time (before it cooled down) and press all the strips on to it ready for me to pull off one after the other, completely pain free and easy peasy.
I hadn’t bargained on it being SO bloody painful.
So there I was, laying on the floor of my bathroom sobbing quietly with a patch of skin that looked like it had been in an accident. And the rest of my bits covered in now stone cold rock hard wax with what was starting to resemble bandages stuck to it.
What was I going to do?
I couldn’t pull them off because it hurt far too much and did I mention I was bleeding and that the wax was now rock hard.
So I tried to gently ease the strips off in the direction of the hair so as not to pull the hair out. Some of the strips came off just fine but the wax was stone cold now and just would not budge…… It was like bloody cement.
I then tried to cut it off with nail scissors!….. Slowly snipping at the hair, wax, bandage combo.
After about an hour of successfully removing a square inch. I was crying with frustration, pain and the thought that I would just have to leave it there until it grew off me.
And then I had a brain wave…..
I would run a hot bath, get in and the wax would just dissolve off me.
But you all know that wax doesn’t dissolve in water right! Yeah well I had forgotten that little snippet of information in my wax panic induced state of mind.
So in I got, skin starting to glow bright red because boy had I run that hot water for a long time.
The wax started to melt a little, but not dissolve as I had hoped. The little fabric strips successfully detached themselves and floated to the top of the bath but the wax stayed put!
I got out trying to gently dry the wax before it got cold again, my towel getting the wax all fluffy and yukky.
I gritted my teeth took a slug of wine stuck fresh strips on and pulled away like a woman possessed.
It was the most torturous evening I have ever spent in my own company. And I like my own company so that’s saying a lot!
My poor bikini was a quivering wreck and I still don’t think it’s forgiven me, I think I’ve traumatised it for ever.
Never ever again in a million hairy years will I attempt to wax my bits ever again. You’ve got that right!…….. I said……. NEVER…… EVER…… AGAIN!
I think hairy bush woman from the gym has got the right idea. Au Natural seems to be the way forward for me from now on.
It was fashionable in the 70’s to have an immensely hairy bush. I’ve always been a trend setter so I’m BRINGING BACK THE BUSH!
Or perhaps a razor.
Or veet.
Or perhaps I’ll just think “Sod it” and phone my beautician for an emergency Brazillian.
I have decided that I would rather be poor and hair free than have 20 quid in my pocket and a hairy bush hiding underneath it.
BRING BACK THE BUSH!
themostfabulousme 